i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
