my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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