could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
