So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
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The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
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I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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