i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
