I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
