Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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