you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
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Go christen that room with your naked body.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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