Swine flu. Run for my life!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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