Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
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probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.