I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My liver just had a heart attack.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself