cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
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This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
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Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.