got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't put those talents on a resume