What did we do last night that was yellow?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
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