I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
