I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
