I think I am morally bankrupt
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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