if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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