A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
