Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
