I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
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