Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
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my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
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My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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