Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
