my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
