Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My ass is underappreciated
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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