I'm pants shitting drunk right now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
