Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
