in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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