dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
