his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
