just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
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After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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