i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize