I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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