I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
