I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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