Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
