meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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