I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
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As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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