No stitches, just platelets and will power
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
