Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
