All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
