how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
