my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
