Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
