If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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