Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
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i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
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ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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