If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
