Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
