Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drunk is not a location!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
