I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
