ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
