Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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