those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
