everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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