he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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