I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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