in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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