remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
