I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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