Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
