I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
