Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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