He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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