the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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