when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
MIDGETS
????
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize