Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
