I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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