I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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