So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
