The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
