Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
