I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
